Articles in the Category of Fatherhood

The Fourth Year

Our son, James, was born four years ago today. His brief life changed mine inexplicably. Since that time, I completed a Doctorate in Spiritual Science, and an MFA in writing poetry, since spiritual practice and poetic expression are two oars by which I navigate the underground waters of grief.

And looking back on the first, second, and third anniversary, I see a clear trajectory toward healing, and toward integrating this profound experience into my life–not as a tragedy–but as a source of strength. I recently found the courage to hold a baby in my arms again, and felt, in that moment, only joy. I have also discovered more of the blessings, strange as it sounds, of the complicated nature of grief.

This experience reaffirmed a few things for me: that art can make life meaningful, that compassion is always the most appropriate response, and that my wife is still the bravest woman I have ever met. Today, I say, once again: godspeed, my son. And thank you.

Enlightened America

“…how amiable the gorgeous advantage of the newly born.”

-Marvin Bell, “The Book of the Dead Man (#42)”

I am somewhere over the Midwest as I type this, returning to the West Coast from a weekend in Boston. Val and I made the trip to attend a very special wedding. Seeing two dear friends–both kind, courageous men–exchange vows with each other, and blessings with all in attendance, renewed my understanding of what marriage is all about.

We stayed in the Omni Parker House Hotel, home to Emerson and Longfellow’s Saturday Club, and spent what little time we had on this trip getting acquainted with American history up close. We visited beautiful old churches, and made the trip up to Harvard–a school founded by Puritans to unite scholarship with spiritual pursuit. Continue Reading “Enlightened America” »

In the Family

My father is a storyteller. On summer vacations as a kid, we would trek from California to New Mexico in our brown Ford Aerostar mini-van. This was long before in-built car TVs and fancy portable video games. As we made our way across the endlessly homogeneous desert Southwest, my father would spin impromptu tales. In the ones tailor-made for my sister, something beautiful and magical would always happen; in mine, it was something gross. I don’t remember the precise details any more than the landscape, but I recall how those hours flew by amid squeals of laughter and groans of surprise.

In his retirement, my dad has been setting down these and many other stories for young people. And most recently, he has begun sharing some of this work in text and audio snippets on his new website. Be sure check it out, and leave an encouraging comment for the man who first introduced me to the pure delight of letting one’s imagination catch fire.

Generativity and Letting Go

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

-Joseph Campbell

Recently, we began the process of giving away baby items bought or given to us for our son, James. Since he never came home from the hospital, they remain unused. Several months ago, we moved them out of the shed, into a closet at my parents’ house. But the time has come for another step. We are beginning to pass these items on to friends and family who are becoming parents. We have been unable to have another child, and are not in a position to adopt. And so, in the same gesture of giving that celebrates the new parenthood of people we care about, we also acknowledge it is unlikely that we will raise a child of our own. Neither of us ever thought it would be this way.

Since our young neighbors moved in across the street with their infant and toddler, I have been unable bring myself to exchange more than a passing smile or wave on this otherwise friendly block in our quaint small town. More than two lanes of quiet asphalt stretch between us. As much as I realize, rationally, that I sometimes idealize the hard work of child-rearing, it is tempting still to wish for a different life. And yet, over the past three years, I have had the opportunity to face down some of the deepest questions about my life, and how I must make meaning in it anew.

Perhaps a branch of my family tree will end with my name on it. But I have not lost the chance to influence my world for the better. Sharing my love of poetry is one way. As I slowly wake from the long dream of grieving, I am sure I will find others. For now, we are taking small steps toward the next crossroads–one bag of diapers, one box of clothes, one bassinet at a time.

Encountering Andrew Philip’s the Ambulance Box

“Even the pick / of those we share our pulse with shares this jolt / beneath the ribs, this double click of love. / How could they cope with even just one heart?”

-Andrew Philip, “Cardiac”

The Ambulance Box by Andrew PhilipI have Jilly Dybka to thank for sending Andrew Philip my way. Since I have written openly about the difficult and transformational experience of losing our first-born son, she must have recognized the the rare opportunity our being in touch provides. I am glad she did. It is an experience Andrew and I share.

Naturally, I was keen to read his debut book. What I discovered was not only personally moving, but profoundly accomplished work. Andrew writes in both English and Scots, placing himself in a tradition stretching back to John Barbour and encompassing Robert Fergusson and Robert Burns. As an American, I feel under-qualified to comment on the unique cultural and socio-political implications of this dual-language approach. (And, I must admit that I gave the online Dictionary of the Scots Language a good workout in making my way through some of the poems.) However, both as a poet in love with lyricism, and a father who lost an infant son, I can not resist adding my praise and commendation to the acclaim this book is gathering.

Andrew writes not only in Scots, a Germanic (not Gaelic) language, but in German as well. In “Berlin / Berlin / Berlin” he combines all three. If it is true, as Robert Frost tells us, that “Poetry is what gets lost in translation,” there is a poetry uniquely found between the languages by Andrew Philip. Wildly associative, and at times experimental, the musicality of these poems lend congruity and veracity even as they burst with linguistic mischief. This is, above all, a collection full of life–which is what makes the moments in which poems touch, lightly but unflinchingly, upon grief, all the more profound. From the premonitory vision of a “difficult, unasked-for joy” in “Pedestrian” through the incredible moment in “Still” when grief rewrites the resurrection, announcing in broken lines across the page, “he is not here / he is not here / he is not here,” these poems are rapturous even in despair. Sentimentality and easy words seem as though they might never have been invented in the remarkable worldview Andrew hands us in this book, “in a language,” as he says at the end of “Tonguefire Night,” “yet to be born.”

As part of Salt Publishing’s innovative cyclone virtual book tour, I will have the pleasure of interviewing Andrew in about a month. I hope you will join me. Salt has also recently launched a highly successful “just one book” campaign to save this well-regarded imprint from financial doom. If you do choose to support world-class poetry publishing by purchasing just one, or one hundred, books from Salt, be sure to make your first The Ambulance Box.

The Third Year

Yesterday, had he lived, our son James would have been three years old. Looking back on the first and second anniversary, it is clear we have come a long way. Last night we saw “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” a film based on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s short story wherein a man is born old and grows younger, ending up as an infant who dies in his true love’s arms. Even a year ago, I might have had to walk out after the doctor’s (incorrect) prognosis, early on in the film, that the old-man-baby would not live long. Instead, I sat through it, and am glad I did. It is a compelling (if stylized) look at the transitory nature of life and love.

On one of our bookshelves, I have lit a candle next to a picture of James. Though he never opened his eyes, our baby was beautiful. Yesterday afternoon, I went in for new head shots to post to the company website. As the makeup lady dabbed my lips with flesh-toned gel, I thought back to my goth days in San Francisco, when I would trace my lips with black lipstick before a night out on the town. Then, as I felt her moving along the peaks of my lipline, I thought of James’s lips–a cupid-bow-shaped miniature of my wife’s own lips. Moments later, I was smiling into the flashbulb.

My inner life is my real life. In it, I carry the memory of my son. Over time, he has gotten lighter, as I have come to embrace greater hope, and to acknowledge the blessings he brought. Were it not for James, I might not have started writing poetry again in earnest, let alone completed an MFA. I would not know what I know now about fatherhood, the depth of support that can come from friends and family, or the strength of our marriage to endure. Though I have come a long way in recovering from grief, it still pricks me like the thorn Antonio Machado described in his own poetic heart–influencing all that I experience and express, and reminding me, poignantly, of that heart.

Godspeed, James. Thank you.


Popular Tags

Academia Academy Of American Poets Accessible Poetry Adam Zagajewski Aliso Street Bear Andrew Philip Anna Akhmatova Arroyo Arts Collective Artists' Union Gallery Art Therapy Avant Garde B.H. Fairchild Bart's Books Bell Arts Factory Blogging Code Poet Conservation Czesław Miłosz David Allen Day Fire Denise Levertov Dorianne Laux Facebook First Books Friday Lubina Galway Kinnell George Wallace Gerard Manley Hopkins Gregory Orr GTD Gwendolyn Alley Heart And Mind Henri Cole Hope Jackson Wheeler James Valentine Peake Japan Jawanza Dumisani John Ashbery John Keats Joseph Millar Kathleen Tyler Li-Young Lee London Los Angeles Louise Glück Low-Residency MFA Mark Doty Marriage Marvin Bell Mary Oliver Merlin Mann MFA Residency 1 MFA Residency 2 MFA Residency 3 MFA Residency 4 MFA Residency 5 Michael Wells Michelle Bitting Miranda Nature Negative Capability Ojai Ojai Poetry Festival Pacific University Passings Performance Poetry Phil Taggart Poetry In The Windows Polish Poetry Post-Postmodernism Ralph Waldo Emerson Rattle Read Write Poem Robert Hass Robert Pinsky Sandford Lyne Sandra Alcosser Sarah Maclay Seamus Heaney Social Networking Sonnets Spirituality Stanley Kunitz Stephen Booth Stephen Dunn Suzanne Lummis The Economy The Phoenix The World Stage Tree Bernstein Twitter Umberto Saba Wallace Stevens Why Poetry Zbigniew Herbert ZCE Zen Zoey's Cafe