The best man at my wedding was, and is, gay. We met several years before I met my wife. We were both fresh out of college, finding our way in relationships. We would take turns, over espresso drinks, listening to one another’s hopeless crushes, dating mishaps, and heartbreaks. With each new relationship we learned a little more about what we each wanted in a partner, and encouraged each other that we would, one day, find The One–his patient, kind, domestic-minded guy; my smart, quirky, artistic girl. For both of us, finding a partner who wanted kids was important.
As soon as Val and I got married, we started referring to ourselves as a family. After the death of our infant son, my understanding of what marriage and family means changed dramatically. The commitment we made in our wedding ceremony–to love one another unconditionally, as best we can–was held to the fire. Grieving our hopes and dreams as parents tested the definition of “family” as a unit of support. Certainly, we were stronger together than apart–but some days we found ourselves both simply unable to give any more. It was in these times that the greater family–including relatives and friends–buoyed us up. Our commitment to love each other, and to support each other in learning and growing in the midst of adversity, became a new, refined definition of what it means to be married, and to be a family.
Shortly after Val and I got married, my best man met his man. Even as our lives ran in parallel when we were single, I also see both he and his partner now demonstrating this new meaning of marriage and family–supporting one another in learning, and growing, and becoming better human beings in the midst of adversity and prejudice. They baby-proofed their home prior to the adoption agency’s inspection the way some budding lawyers study for the bar exam–extensively, meticulously, because so much is riding on the result. They have been waiting for their child for some time now. Lucky the child who gets these two great, eager dads.
I would love to see them legally married. Not because it would deepen their commitment, or somehow legitimize their relationship, but because it would support a definition of marriage and family that is predicated on striving toward unconditional love. Anywhere this is found, there is a true family. Anywhere this is practiced wholeheartedly, it forms a bond thicker than blood. Because what makes life meaningful, what makes it all matter, is love. And love, like life itself, does not fit neat categories. It does not match our expectations and ideals. Because it is about so much more than gender, or genetics. It is about what makes us essentially human, and gives us the courage to endure.
Marriage is the sanctification of this commitment to love. A family is a unit of support that has made this same commitment to each member, whether two people or twelve. The success of these units in supporting each member to learn, and grow, and become better despite life’s challenges, is the measure by which the health of our society can be gauged. But first, this opportunity must be extended freely and without prejudice, in acknowledgment of its importance, and in acknowledgment of the potential of each one of us to better ourselves through loving one another past our differences and challenges–as family, in the truest sense of that word.
13 Comments
A great post, Robert. I wish everyone had the same insight and wisdom.
Thanks, Collin. Californians will have an opportunity to stand up on this issue soon.
Amen.
Well said, Robert.
Thank you for sharing the story of your family and your friends. The richness of relationships is sometimes strengthened through adversity and it sounds like you, and your friends, are living examples.
This past week some dear friends of ours, a lesbian couple, got married after 16 years together and 2 children. It is a demonstration of their time and their commitment to each other. My hope is that others like them can continue to marry after November 4th here in California. My mom and her partner never married, but another gay couple they know well just did after being together for 46 years (which is older than I am!).
What a great honor and demonstration of commitment. Isn’t that what is important?
Absolutely, Kenley. Thanks for sharing this.
Wow, Robert. This is so beautiful. So glad I read it. I remember this gift in you – not your writing, per se,but your loving Spirit.
In loving
Maryellen
Thanks, Maryellen. Nice to see you again.
Thoughtful, sure footed and graceful; I linked to this essay as an example of ways to think on this issue in my blog. Thanks for your words and reminding us of them today with the news of the CA Supreme Court decision.
Thanks, Gwendolyn.
Marriage, as defined by God, is an institution between man and woman. I realize that this is not a popular belief or opinion anymore. Not that I hate gays or don’t love them, but in my belief it’s a no-no. The Bible is plain as day and you either obey or disobey what he has to say. Our country is so messed up because Satan has blinded the eyes of far to many. As my brother gets married this weekend, I was searching google and came across this post. I couldn’t read it entirely for the ads on the right side of the page. If people in this country really asked God what he wanted for their lives, he wouldn’t be so sincere in saying “Do whatever you want”. I am not here trying to bash or start a war, just giving another side of the opinion. I heard a neat little saying that went something like this “You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”.
Hi Bobby,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I realize you are probably doing so to try to help me improve my relationship with God.
One of the best ways I have found to do so is to follow the teachings of Jesus, who challenged a group ready to fulfill the law, set down by Moses, that an adulteress should be stoned to death–by saying “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” I also consider Jesus’ teaching that “In as much as you have done it to the least of these My brethren, you have done it unto Me” in relation to the civil rights of others. I do not believe homosexuals are “least” or lesser (though our society, by its actions, seems to) or that homosexuality is morally wrong like adultery. But using these extreme examples, I believe Jesus gave us some wonderful teachings about how to treat people who act differently than us.
I realize this may not change your mind, and I, too, am not looking to start an argument. But because you took the time to share your thoughts, I felt it was important to respond.
Congratulations on your brother’s marriage.
Best,
Robert
Beautiful. Thank you.